...***

i never wanted to blog.yet i'm desperately seeking for a solace....
it has been about 4 years but i still think about my AJUSHI...a chingu yet in this cloak of mine i hide my true feelings for him..now i ask myself, after all these years can i call that love? or is it my romantic nature in such pursuit? it has never materialized even though proximity has always brought the old gushy feelings back...i guess ivy s right. I have created a WALL OF CHINA around us even though i am the only one who truly wants to be in it. I tried my hardest to forget him but what can i do when if he's just a phone call away. Aside from that, lately we've been going out together....and because of that blissful memories are returning with a vengeance...

yes!!! i'm so pathetic trying to wait for someone who i know will never look at me in a different light.I wish I have a magic wand turning myself into the perfect girl He always wanted..or changing how I dress, the way i speak just to fit his liking..But that would mean that i would lose my own identity..I don't think i could sacrifice to that extent...

this is a hidden blog..hidden from the prying eyes of public...though i want them to know my innermost thoughts. I'd be then risking my friendship[ with him..

Confession:: i viewed the profile of HIS first LOVE..and obviously even if it sounds silly..IT BROKE MY HEART...not because i saw the girl, but because of the realization that she definitely owns HIS heart...i can't be your clown because under this mask you'll see the traces of the tears i shed...

my first love...

i've been watching korean series since 4th year highschool. Now, i'm on my senior year in college & i still get stuck into this K series phenomenon. 2 weeks ago i simultaneously bought 2 sets of k-series entitled "my name is KIM SAM SOON" & "WONDERFUL LIFE" i finished wathching them, but my studies are falling behind me. That is SAD part on my obsession. Because i tend to prioritized watching DVD's instead of studying, i still don't know my priority's. Time management is very important, and a few months from now i will be stepping out from the very university that nurtured my quest for knowledge. still, i'm acting like a highschool girl.

But, i can't help it. I love watching these series. They're my priced posessions.

it this last crusade..

i've been in hiatus for how many months and now i'm back with 2 new koreans series, re-entry on soompi and a dreadful news from norman... huhuhuh! my baby's in love. normally, i would ponder on this for days & try to get my pen and paper to write endless sad love poems. but when i read about his blissful enounter i felt happy for him. my 4 years of adoration should be ended and i want to have a graceful exit. that is why i'm writing this, i'd like to thank norman for being an inspiration to me after all these years. i have followed his career path & watched him grow from an awkward,geeky med neophyte until he blossomed into a distinguished gentleman...

after reading most of his entries, i have learned so much about life,love & the art of letting go. Now, i am using this to let go of someone whom i held close to my heart since the very first day i set foot in college. Looking back on those years, i could not help but smile. for me, knowing you has been one of the highlight on my college life & i will never forget you. You'll always be my norman....

Though it sounds so mushy i can;t help it...i can't say i'm depressed because in all honesty i want him to be happy and find true love. if it means being with this girl then so be it...

Good luck normanshi! i bid you adieu ajushi!!!

Incessant ramblings

I’ve never felt so rejected before, until this very moment when my whole family seemed to disown me. I regret being a bitter person; I guess I am just filled with so many insecurities in life. I thought I’m a tough girl but skin deep, I’m just an average lass who’s hungry for love and affection. There are so many issues hanging around me and a past that will always haunt me…

I always wanted to be love, be accepted of who I am but people around didn’t get that message. Whenever I’m all-alone, I find myself imagining a lot of sad stories and all these are stored in my puny brain. The story will always be about a girl who is so plain and simple who falls for a man who doesn’t love her in return. However, I have a difficulty making a happy ending for my characters. They are just like me, I always fall for a man who barely gives me a glance and because of that I have always wished to be beautiful and wanted. They say beauty is superficial and what is of great importance is the character. Now, I really have a hard time agreeing to that. I guess beauty has a lot to do with being satisfied. Great physical appearance gives a sense of satisfaction and self-confidence. In my case I am neither beautiful nor nice. I am struggling with my weight ever since day 1 and to top that I am too opinionated for anyone’s peace of mind. Seldom, I have a tendency to hurt other people’s feeling because of my sharp tongue and I can’t help it because from the very beginning, I lack self-control.

When I read norman’s blog, he stated there that he wanted a slim, pretty, witty and tall girl. Well, so much for hoping a romantic and lasting relationship with this guy. Besides, what am I thinking? He doesn’t know me and even if I stand a foot away from him, he still wouldn’t recognize me. Yah, I know I’m quite pathetic and it seemed to get worse as I get a year older. For instance, when we had our OR rotation I saw this guy who immediately sparked my interest. He’s no brad Pitt look-a-like but he surely had my undivided attention. Unfortunately, my pretty and sweet classmate also likes my new found pursuit and it hurts me to see them together even during an operation. So that’s it! I’ve had enough of this useless admiration. Why do I always end up getting hurt? Well, that’s a tough question to answer. Maybe I need to let loose a bit, there’s no harm in being nice and sweet. I just hope I don’t sound sarcastic and hypocrite.

Like the song SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU by Eric Benet and Tamia.
Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me everynight
Can I just spend my life with you

I know it’s cheesy but its true. Every woman is longing for someone to spend her life with and to finally found someone who would knock her off her feet. I am just like those women but I guess
I always get knocked off my feet and never had the strength to stand up.

movie lines...

i hate the way the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
i hate the way you drive my car
i hate it when you stare

i hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
i hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme

i hate the way you’re always right
i hate when you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry

i hate it when you’re not around
and the fact that you didn’t call
but mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all


-10 Things I hate about you
"Choose Life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family.
Choose a fUCKking big television.
Choose washing machines, cards, compact disc players and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance.
Choose fixed interest on mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home.
CHoose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suit in a fUCking range of fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fUCK you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fUCking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish,
f*Choose your future. CHOOSE LIFE."

-- Renton :Ewan McGregor:Trainspotting:

Soldiers of Rohan... of Gondor... my Brothers!

I see in your eyes, the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come, when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day!

An hour of wolves, and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! but it is not this day! This day we fight!!!

For all that you hold dear in this good earth... I bid you to stand! Men of the West!!!

LOTR:

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.


" Frankly my dear, I don't give a DAMN." - Gone With The Wind

What Women Want

In a brief conversation, a man asked a
woman. he
was pursuing the question "What kind of
man are
you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before
looking him in
the eye and asking "Do you really want to
know?"
Reluctantly, he said "Yes."

She began to expound..." As a woman in
this day
and age, I am in a position to ask a man
what he
can do for me that I can't do for myself. I
pay my
own bills. I take care of my household
with out the
help of any man...or woman for that
matter. I am in
the position to ask "What can you bring to
the
table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he
thought that she
was referring to money. She quickly
corrected his
thought and stated "I am not referring to
money. I
need something more. I need a man who
is striving
for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms,
and
asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who
is striving
for perfection mentally because I need
conversation and mental stimulation. I
don't need a
simple minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving
for
perfection spiritually because I don't need
to be
unequally yoked...believers mixed with
unbelievers
is a recipe for disaster.

I am looking for someone who is sensitive
enough
to understand what I go through as a
woman but
strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can
respect. In
order to be submissive, I must respect
him. I
cannot be submissive to a man who isn't
taking
care of his business. I have no problem
being
submissive...he just has to be worthy. God
made a
woman to be a help mate for man. I can't
help a
man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spiel, she looked at
him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his
face. He
said "You are asking a lot."

She replied "I'm worth a lot."

the price you pay in the name of service...

Our org moderator boasted that she is a born leader and one should not be lousy by just being the follower. i say...she is wrong. By knowing how to follow makes one a good leader. There's no such thing as born leader but a good one is made and shaped by challenges.

I can't help but criticize how these people govern the org. How can democracy work when these so called leaders can easily get away with their mistakes and not be responsible with it for they are certain with their positions. They stand there pointing fingers telling us to carry out such orders. But the real score is they themselves are not confident with their plans and to top that they blame us if their commands did not come out well.

mmmm...its really hard to be in the opposition party....


anyway, i don't have regrets serving because this is the real me...i'm made for this and i guess based on experiences..i'm in my best shape when i do this kind of work...

As I use simple words I unveil the real me. What I write encompass what I experience in life. I intend to consign in writing all I feel and see in the simplest way and make the best out of it. I aspire to be a good writer. Yet I know that it could never be. We live in a world where people act like judges to our innate or practiced talents. I admit, I am not a born writer and for years I’ve been trying so hard to construct exceptional writings. I ask myself, does one really have to be critique by another to determine if he or she is good enough to earn a place in the society...